Just realized

I’ve had my beloved Canon camera for a year now…I love that…just a random observation…

Tale of Two Cities…

Caracas Arepas

Tinto de Verano…it’s a sparkling wine cocktail and it’s not too bad…I’m wondering how much of this I’m gonna drink…

The reading Ive done over the last few days has really emphasized in my head how important eating a diet packed with fruits and vegetables is…

I cannot help but wonder how we as americans managed to allow money to supercede our health and happiness…I know I’m waxing philosophical about morality and America – an oxymoronic task at best, at worst naieve and wasteful; but the numbers look terrible…

The restaurant is tiny, and I’m glad I got there early and got a table. I was having lunch with an old friend who I like to keep at arms length. Mostly he to the fact that she’s a little bit crazy. Well a lot crazy, but she’s got good reason. She’s a smart girl with absolutely no outlets. She’s on her third degree and while she’s matured considerably from the 15 year old that was puking her guts out when I’d seen her last, she’s still blessed with a touch of the crazy. Thankfully, she’s engaged to a guy who has a steady job and the patience of Job.

Which is an interesting comparison of words…Job and job. Indicating that work – nor vocation would require patience. It’s not something you’ll necessarily enjoy. It’s your sacrifice in life, like school or bad teeth – something you give up in order to better yourself in another arena. I’m wondering if I’ve ever sacrificed for it vocation. That would require me defining my vocation I guess. Which is difficult, especially for a tangent.

A man asked us if we knew what day it was – as he showed us his phone, Monday, Marxh 16th, 2009. I confirmed that was the date for me. And then drew in a heavy breath, draggibg from his lot cigarette – a cherry of nicotine vaporizing as if he needed tonsteady homself for the question he was about to ask. He inquired as to whether i knew what day it was.

Monday? Was my good faith reply, tonwhich he replied with a measured fervor – “it’s the Lords day”…

I, now realizing that I was on the precipice of something horrifically “interesting” gave him a quote intended to defuse the entire conversation leaving him feeling great…

“It’s the Lord’s day…EVERYDAY.”

Big Daddy’s Diner

They were playing Elton John when I walked in…it was one of the hottest things I’ve heard in a while…hearkening back to what seemed gilded at the time and was in retrospect an impoverished but influential time for me…

Those days by medicine was sunlight, music, and laughter…I feel like that should be my medicine these days…I seem to think being a wellness coach would blend my thoughts on primary care with my thoughts on mental health and physical fitness…

Anyways, I digress… I decided to get pie and coffee…it made me think of the movie coffee and cigarettes which I JUST watched recently…it also reminded me of 40’s night at a local starbucks…

The coffee and pie arrived at what seemed like warp-speed until I realized that both were pre-made and the place was almost empty…but I liked it nonetheless…

Midway through the meal a sympathetic-looking older businessman walked in with two mexican mafioso… Or perhaps they were Iranian. I’m not sure really – they all looked suspicious…criminal…like a senator and his contacts in the drug world. Coming to a shitty little diner in midtown Manhattan for pie and coffee. I wanted a refill.

About the moment I got my refill I noticed a banner on the wall oppsoite me. It was for the Seattle Pilots – a baseball team from the early days of baseball…

A pennant for the Houston Oilers was displayed prominently as well. I was still contemplating checking Houston out when simultaneously Born to Be Wild started playing, I started to dream of smoking a fat, Cuban cigar and two of Manhattan’s most prominently homosexual hipsters walked in. It all really struck me right then and there…

I was asking, subconsciously to go back West. The mexicans, the gay-ass hipsters, my plots to become a writer/filmmaker…it all pointed at California, the pseudo-schizo-liberal fuck-tard of a state that I love…

Hell, California is what Texas COULD be. I suddenly wanted a truck, a guitar, and time. I was writing my heart out when the waiter dismissed me with the check. I reasoned that I shouldn’t ask for another cup of coffee.

I wasn’t going to get another fucking cup of coffee.

That is until the bubbly waitress, confused with the sight of a twenty-something black male in a “gay” rainbow scarf came over to refill it for me. She’d given me a ten-minute reprieve. I thanked her, smiling broadly as I sipped the fresh, hot caffeinated salvation.

More time to write. As I looked up from my furious scribbling I saw a current day Opie – future frat boy, walking in with his mother cracking a joke about his old man, smiling at me oddly. The mafioso were walking out of the place and I couldn’t help but smile at the juxtaposition of my new freedom, my part-time vocation and its’ setting, the criminals, and the beautiful, merciful waitress who In hindisght i think was flirting that was now squeezing chocolate syrup onto what looked like a pile of whipped cream over pancakes like her life depended on it…mostly because her job did.

The economy has been pretty bad lately. Bad enough that jobs are in everybody’s mind. Part of the reason I’ve been writing honestly. Hopefully I can get some alternative revenue streams.

Anyways, writing, forced to think and i figured it out – recently a guy named Madoff, made off with 65 billion dollars that people invested. What’s interesting is that these people invested their fortunes with him and most of the interest revenue that they were counting on was fraudulent. It was wealth created in paper. Which made me think of our economy as a whole.

A professor in my first class in college named Al-Madani once gave us a list of things that were wrong with capitalism. I agreed in a very academic sense at first, only to slowly disagree with many of the list’s assertions, only to recently, come full circle on my thoughts.

The biggest assertion in my mind was that capitalism is an un-sustainable system – perpetual growth requires perpetual inputs of resources. Since we don’t recycle everything that we sell, there is no theoretical way for us to continue the way we are trying to.

DC redux

So, I went to DC for the inauguration.

We got in the night before, staying at a classmates’ sister’s dorm. We went to bed around 1 am, eagerly anticipating the inauguration. I had a mental image of getting into the National Mall at 6am and waiting on a blanket on the grass for our nations first black president. It was honestly an idyllic dream – much like the one Dr. King had in 1963 – and it involved plenty of personal space as well as balmy temperatures in the mid-60s.

Instead it was 8ºF with wind chill.

And instead of lounging on a blanketed National Mall, I was fighting to maintain my balance in front of a Starbucks, crushed between some lady named Patty from Harrisburg, PA, and my mile-a-minute brother. The crowd began to get frustrated and animated around 8:00am (after we’d been waiting for 2 hours). At 9:00 am, when we decided to depart – en route back to the dorms for a warm front row seat in front of a flat panel screen – the temperature had “climbed” to 17 degrees, still about 11 with wind chill.

I found out later that the National Mall had filled up by 5 am, when we left. The area between the Washington Monument and Lincoln Memorial – technically not the Mall – was also full. Everyone wanted to watch the election, and be there for it.

I couldn’t blame em, but i would’ve liked to see a lot more done to accommodate the 2 million people that they knew couldn’t possibly fit into the National Mall and immediately surrounding areas.

My thoughts?

Set up inauguration viewing block parties – sponsored by local businesses, with large projection screens strung between buildings, speakers mounted to the sides of building, so that everyone, collected in the streets could see what was going on. People could sit in folding chairs that street-vendors could sell for the day. They were already selling hand-warmers and re-purposed binoculars called “Barack-ulars”.

It’s my belief that it would have had a few benefits – first is security, by providing for rigorous security screening up close to the capitol, and less rigorous security screening further away, you’d keep the people who were the riskiest security wise, away from the capitol, and the president. Next, by placing the block parties near local businesses there would be an economic stimulus effect – we went to a burger place (Five Guys Burgers – extremely good burgers…amazing really). Finally, the additional A/V infrastructure, would have allowed the inauguration security folks to communicate with the public and each other much better, which enhances safety and convenience for all.

This wasn’t an unrealistic solution – they did it in Memphis, New York City, and Los Angeles…

Ultimately, I had a great time in DC. I’m proud to say I watched my president take his oath of office. I’m proud to say that I watched his speech live – and cheered and clapped more often than not.

Now if we could’ve worked on the temperature and number of big-screens available for the people they knew were coming – I’d have been proud to cheer on the city of Washington, D.C. and the inaugural committee.

Wild Realities and Procrastination

We live in a time of extreme frustration, anguish, and uncertainty.
There are worries about the wars both at home and abroad – wars against drugs, class wars, Israel vs. Gaza and its’ ridiculously global (not just regional) implications, Congo, Darfur, Iraq/Afghanistan. There are worries about these conflicts morphing into a super war.

There are worries about a nuclear Iran, a decimated Palestine, a second Great Depression. The democratization of media and access to information has done a great deal to truly highlight the actual world we are living in, and that’s great – but it’s getting more and more difficult to live in a happy little deluded bubble these days…

Then there are more pedestrian worries –

Daily – I kid you not – daily, I worry about my career. Worry that I’m not doing enough to further it, worry that I’m shortchanging myself by not being uber-type A in the classroom. Worry that I should be focused on rote memorization and not on actual understanding.

Occasionally, I get to talk to someone with a little more perspective. Someone whose seen and done things that I have yet to within the medical world Someone who understands the relative worth of a kidney quiz in the grand scheme of medical education.

But that only happens occasionally. Most of the people who are supposed to be good at assuaging fears and keeping people focused in the right direction and on track aren’t really very helpful…at least not in my book. In fact, some of them enjoy seeing you wallow…in the mud…and rain…

There’s the stress of studying for your boards, feeling like your career is going to come down to a three digit number. Hoping that the day of the exam your efforts to study don’t disappoint you – a dull thud in your soul telling you that you’ve been tricked. Hoping that somehow you can manage to be “above average” or even “excellent” in the midst of a billion other smart medical students…

Meanwhile, that stress is compounded with what’s happening in our world. There are the requisite anxieties about the economy – hoping already crumbling hospitals don’t cut residency spots, hope residency spots can somehow figure out a way to pay barely above minimum wage (45,000 per year / 80 hr. work weeks = $10.81/hr)…

Worrying about where my residency will actually even be – hoping it’s not in the middle of Nebraska (no offense to Nebraska, I’ve just never really been to the midwest and don’t want to stick my toe in the pool with a 5 year move)…actually hoping I match in the first place…

Worries about residency itself and balancing a family with the insane work hours – wondering how juggling both a family and a demanding career will affect both my family life and performance at the hospital.

There’s also the anxieties about student loans – paying them back after they’ve gotten a chance to mature and collect some momentum (in the form of rampant interest) while helping to support a family on $45,000 a year.
Hoping I can manage to buy my lady and “potential” kids some shoes…and some rice…

Worries about what medicine will be like when I come out the other side – hoping it’ll still be lucrative enough that I’m somewhat comfortable… Able to at least buy a house and send my kids to college. Maybe go on some family vacations and send the buggers off to camp. Hopefully donate heavily to some charities and non-profits…

Worries about getting diabetes or cancer…about having a heart attack… Hoping the persistent pain in my back isn’t arthritis…or cancer…

Then there are stupid worries…

Worries about ingrown hairs, shaving, getting fat and weak…and yes the scourge of many a man – balding. I’m not only balding at what feels like a breakneck pace, I’m also popping up with new ingrown hairs at a breakneck pace, and my body doesn’t quite metabolize an entire box of cereal like it used to… Hoping I can adjust to the loss of a certain amount of my youth – in a graceful and vital way…

Is it any wonder that when we see good news – like the story of flight 1549, “Miracle on the Hudson” – or when our team wins the Super Bowl, is it any wonder that we keep on watching?

Is it any wonder that Facebook is so popular – such a time sink? People are able to actually chat with their friends, and not focus on the source of their worries…procrastination these days is akin to digitally sticking your head in the sand…

Which isn’t so wrong right? It’s just not as productive as we might hope to be. Is there an optimistic version of the real world? Something like facebook that just makes everything seem easier?

Can’t Obama make it all happy again?

Cmon…

Nine Years Ago Today

My life was nowhere near where it is nowadays…

Nine years ago today I was wide-eyed and loud mouthed

Anticipating a future that was exciting

Completely unawares of the challenges that lay ahead

Nine years ago I was embarking on a hellified journey

One that isn’t quite over, but has definitely shifted into a new chapter

I said things like “Sir Yes Sir”

I had reached a pinnacle – a pinnacle that was but base camp…

I truly can’t believe how far I’ve come since then

How far my friends, family, cities, states, country, and world have come…

Nine years ago I thought I was done…

Nine years ago was my first day

As a recruit

In the Seattle Fire Department…

My god, how far my life has come…

Vocabulary Skills?

So I saw a link that said Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin accused the media of “personal, salacious” reporting…

I have one question…

Salacious?

How does she know what that word means? Does she know what the word means?

I never saw any reporting done regarding Gov. Barracuda that was “sexually lewd or obscene” (which is the definition of salacious).

Maybe she thought her bumbling, stammering through the Charles Gibson and Katie Couric interviews was hawt…

The librarian look she sported for the interviews: very attractive…

The strident “mama grizzly” who shoots wolves from helicopters, while indiscriminately, and un-eloquently spewing hard-right, christian fundamentalist, anti-everything except-white-male rhetoric: very unattractive, actually the exact opposite of “salacious”…

I’m sorry, but she jumped into the fray and unfortunately made herself and her state the laughingstock of America…

Better to stay quiet and let people wonder if you’re an idiot than to open your mouth and confirm it for everyone…

Insights from 1 year, 4 months, 2 weeks and 3 hours in

- I need to study at a desk…

- I need music and light snacks to study with…

- I should preferrably be somewhat cool (temperature)…

- People cannot be walking by, nor tugboats for that matter – movement in my general direction is a poor predictor of successful studying…

- I cannot be trusted with a highlighter…nor a ruler and a pen…

- Always memorize the tables in the books…

- Always memorize the slides…

- Always memorize things that are italicized, underlined, bold, or have a catchphrase such as “it is important to remember…” or “it is dangerous to…” or “the patient may die if…”

- I should make algorithms using lab data/history/physical findings for each system and complaint…

- Animations make oodles more sense than textbooks…

- Pictures are good – words are a double edged sword…they’re sorta like electrolytes…or antibodies…

- It’s actually a good thing to live so close to school…Frustrating, demoralizing, alternately soul-crushing and soul-draining…but occasionally its’ sorta convenient…

- I cannot afford to not pay attention to things like laundry, haircuts, cleaning, writing, photography, eating, or exercise – if I don’t learn how to cram them in now, I never will…

- Every hour I need to stand up, stretch, breathe, and refocus myself…

- Writing and exercising is therapeutic…

- Lectures are absolutely worthless – attendance is in fact somewhat detrimental…small groups range from marginally beneficial to completely useless…

- Studying for boards is going to suck a lot…

- Medical school is designed to be an uphill battle the entire way – a series of seemingly endless struggles punctuated by repeated failures…

- I’m on a roll…

I should probably say this…

To all of my friends and family who is reading this.

I’m sorry if I’ve been short, or if in the future I am short with you. Medical school, more than anything, just by virtue of the sheer inefficiency of the process is extremely time consuming.

I think medicine is that way as well. It’s really too bad school isn’t more condensed and better run. It doesn’t need to take 2 years, and it doesn’t really need to take a long time to understand all of the basic science concepts.

But here it does. Here we are supposed to extract knowledge from a dry and overly verbose text. Not too much in the way of animations – funny how one simple animation with wisely placed captions and simple explanations and a few miniature review questions seems to simplify everything and make the whole process of learning “difficult” material easier to learn.

But seriously, I’ve been short with many of you.

I haven’t stayed in contact with many of you.

And you all deserve better of me – I’m truly sorry if I’ve hurt anyone.

Perhaps a touch of Karma?

My roommate is apparently super sensitive to the scents “liberated” by cooking.

Now I don’t make things that smell particularly bad by traditional American standards. I’m not cooking chitterlings or kim chee in the kitchen. Things like ground turkey and tomato sauce can set her into a tizzy.

So I try to be calm about it when she storms into the kitchen and turns on the completely useless ventilation fan above the stove that only serves to blow any smoke, steam, or other olfactory “goodness” towards the hallway leading to…of all places…her room.

I’ve chalked it up to differences in personal biochemistry and sensitivities. I’ve probably got a chemically desensitized schnauzz while her nose is likely more discriminating. No biggie. I’ve also anticipated the possibility that turning on the stove fan has a psychologically reassuring impact on her – it shows that I’m considering the potential detrimental impacts that feeding myself might have on her. So, usually, I just turn on the fan.

Well today, I made some liver and onions with pumpkin pasta – an experimental dish to be sure – and somewhat delicious – however it was without a particular, boquet.

I cooked, I ate, I cleaned – leaving a pan with some warm leftovers on the stove to cool while I studied renal pathophysiology.

En route to leaving the apartment she stormed towards the kitchen and in a gnawingly condescending tone asked me to “clean the pans because the oils seep into the pans and then I have to smell your food for the rest of the week.”

Now, two things to know about me.

First, I cannot stand being talked to like I’m a seven year old – probably because that was the only tone my mother used – it doesn’t just push a button – it punches keys like Ornette Coleman…or Art Tatum (yes Mike, subliminal shoutout)…

Second, I hate being asked to do things when I’m already doing something. When people waltz up to me and demand my time for their pet projects while I’m engaged and avidly concentrating (rare due to ADHD) on something, it does tend to drive me up a wall.

The combination was quite aggravating – and imagine that, distracting. It gnawed at my focus – the focus I’ve been trying to hone since the beginning of this new year. I read through the rest of the chapter, while simultaneously agonizing over whether I should just do it immediately, or stand up for myself and do it when I a) wasn’t busy and b) felt like doing it.

The internal deliberation took too long however – she returned, out of breath from her workout and immediately bolted for the showers – like she always does. I couldn’t tell if she was keeping her nose from curling up like she has resorted to doing occasionally, or if the smell wasn’t even there.

It no longer mattered. I realized that I had stuck up for myself by waiting until she had gotten back – and then I also realized that I could be above the almost entirely self-creating melodrama unfolding in my head and I could just wash the damned pot. Which I did.

I also happened to have headphones in my ears at the time, because they do tend to help me focus quite a bit – shutting out random noises and thoughts. So as I began to clean, she climbed into her “hot” shower. I however, didn’t hear the shower water running because of the headphones.

I began to scrub the pot first slowly, and had a little trickle of hot water on, and then decided to vigorously scrub it and throw myself into the scrubbing – since I thought it did provide an adequately mindless break from studying – and I’d finish I thought by soaking the pan in a shit ton of HOT water.

And so on went the hot water – full blast. For about a minute. I still feel guilty about wasting the water – another post about my ideas on that soon. But, right as I was finishing the 4th rinse of the pot, all to alleviate my roommates fears, the right earbud fell out of my ear.

And I heard the shower. And muffled cursing. About the “cold” shower.

Oops.

As I shut the water off, and turned around, it seemed like she was peeking out of the door – on top of the indignity of a cold shower, she’d forgotten her towel.

“Can you, umm… look the other way please?” she shouted from the bathroom.

“Oh yeah, sure, no problem.”

She scampered into her room.

I sat down and started to study again…and thought briefly about the karmic exchange that occurred there. Hope I’m not completely in the wrong…

Solidarity

So this post is partially the product of a great deal of insomnia. It’s 1:16am and I still cannot sleep. Too many things on my mind, in addition to an overactive sense of night vision and night hearing (i.e. it’s neither dark enough nor silent enough for me to sleep)

But I’ve been hurting recently.

Every day I see these images of Palestinians suffering. I read these reports about how many Palestinians were killed and I cannot help but think that Israel is making a mistake.

Does Israel have the right to defend themselves? Absolutely.

Is what Israel doing in Palestine defense? Absolutely not.

Please don’t take this for anti-semitism, because it’s not. Excusing criticism of Israel merely as anti-semitism denigrates the torture and horrible oppression that Jewish people have undergone. Also, remember that Palestinians are actually included in the definition of Semitic people.

Israel should understand that you cannot fight violence with violence. In a boxing match both people end up injured, one person may win – but if a bout is too violent or prolonged, both fighters may be irreparably damaged – for life. Unfortunately, what is happening in Gaza is just that – it’s a prolonged battle.

But it isn’t the war, and just like the My Lai massacre in Vietnam entered the publics’ consciousness, this “incursion” into Gaza is beginning to be seen differently by the rest of the viewing world. It’s only adding anti-Israel fuel to the fire.

Ultimately, Israel only has so much political capital, and they are spending it rapidly, and unwisely I might add, on military solutions to something that can only be remedied politically. Much of Gaza is hopeless, which helps to explain their nihilistic election of Hamas. Hamas vowed to fight.

Israel also has vowed to fight.

What this conflict is, in reality, is a conflagration between fundamentalist Israelis, and fundamentalist Palestinians – with the larger body of moderate parties trapped in the middle. When the UN, Red Cross, and Amnesty International all ban together to either condemn or demand a country cease their violent actions, you know something horrific is happening.

Israel deserves to exist – without any doubt. But then again, Palestinians deserve to keep the land they’ve farmed and existed on for centuries. Palestinians deserve to have the chance to actually build infrastructure and viable governments.

When the Allies defeated Axis forces in World War II, they ensured that reconstruction was a major thrust of their post-conflict international policy. It’s what has made modern Germany, Italy, and Japan trade partners instead of terrorist supporting governments.

Israel, after their Seven Day war, should have probably forseen the writing on the wall. You don’t win enemies over by condemning them to an open air prison…Security in that region depends primarily on economic performance. Look at Saudia Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Jordan, Qatar, Egypt. They are all stable, secular countries. They have definite industries that are supporting them – and they are investing in the development of additional industries to supplant the oil industry as it inevitably wanes and withers over the next several decades. The problem nations in the Middle East have no economic future. They live in poverty and apartheid.

So the blockade of foreign aid: Food, clothing, fuel, medicine – must stop. Starving a caged animal doesn’t make them more likely to respect or agree with you, it makes them more likely to lash out at you.

Israel – stop making the same mistakes that the US is making in Iraq. Build schools, roads, infrastructure. Become a supporter of a Palestinian state before its’ too late.

Otherwise they might succeed in eradicating the Palestinian people. But it won’t be peace that they achieve. Instead it will be War Crimes charges.

In other news.

Oscar Grant, a 22 year old father of a four year old was shot. In the back. While he was lying face down. On the ground…

After a fight broke out on a train between ten people, the BART police in Oakland were called to calm the situation. They arrived and separated everybody it looked like.

Well soon thereafter, Mr. Grant was made to lie down on the ground, face down (in the middle of a subway platform – which is not a good place to be), and was then shot in the back. The ricocheting bullet ripped through his lungs and eventually, several hours later killed him.

The indignity was worsened by the fact that immediately after the shooting, they handcuffed the poor man, while leaving him face down on the ground.

BART Police then confiscated as many cell phones and cameras as they could. But they didn’t confiscate enough.

Then when video of the shooting leaked, they tried a sorry excuse saying the officer probably mistook his pistol for his Taser. Which as we know is a crock of garbage. Much like the officer.

Soon after, the officer resigned, retained an attorney, and hasn’t spoken with investigators, nor has he made a statement.

He also, conspicuously, hasn’t been charged with ANY crime yet. Now, I’ve been told if you have a weapon there are two cardinal rules:

1. Don’t take your weapon out if you don’t plan to shoot something
2. Don’t point your weapon at anything if you don’t want to kill it.

I honestly cannot think of a justifiable reason that this officer would have to kill Mr. Grant. I just can’t. Even if it was all a terrible mistake, his carelessness, the reckless indifference to the safety of the person who he was taking into custody is criminal. Especially given his training as a peace officer, it is unconscionable that he even drew his weapon.

So, to the citizens of the Bay Area – protest. Peacefully. Write letters to everyone on the Oakland City Council, the Alameda District Attorney, and the California State Attorney Generals’ Office. Write letters to the Bay Area Rapid Transit Authority

To the Citizens outside of the Bay Area. Write letters to the San Francisco Chamber of Commerce and Oakland Chamber of Commerce. Let them know that as long as justice isn’t done, we won’t be shopping or visiting Oakland or San Francisco. Put the pressure on them.

I for one, am tired of being fearful of police. I’m tired of seeing people who look just like me getting killed in various altercations with the police. I’m sick of seeing Al Sharptons’ ass marching. I’m sick of Sean Bells, Rodney Kings, and now Oscar Grants. Again, if the police think that the way to keep the peace is by shooting, beating, and arresting innocent black people they are sadly wrong.

Both of these issues are connected by one thing. Completely unnecessary violence. Counterproductive violence. Senseless violence.

Can we please for once, stop the violence?